I Hate Socialising.

I Hate Socialising.

I’m not sure if it is my bipolar, or if I have just grown to not like to go out and socialise.

When I was in my twenties that’s all I did. Socialise. In my early thirties, I still did but with some reluctance. It generally had to be with alcohol, which it was, and a lot of it. And the reluctance grew as I grew through my thirties. I turned 40 (still freaking) last year and I have absolutely no interest at all in socialising with people that I don’t know. My best friend and my Mum make the cut, and that’s about it.

Rather than ask if it’s normal (what the fuck is), I ask myself if it’s healthy. And I’m not sure. One of the instinctive human requirements is connection. Socialising brings connection. But I’m pretty happy with the connections I have with my cat and my partner. Should I be forced to find more?

Where this becomes a problem is with my job. When I have to go to external stakeholder meetings and network. I hate it. Most people will just turn up to these things. I will anxiously think about who will be there, decide if I need to learn something from anyone, and list my targets and what I want from those targets. Then I will prepare some generic “small talk” so that I can at least be armed and ready for other conversations that I don’t want to have in a place that I don’t want to be.

It was the same at my last gym. They socialised often. I didn’t. Which then gave me a disadvantage for feeling included in classes. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them. Quite the opposite actually. I got on with them and liked them all a lot. I just couldn’t bring myself to attend social gatherings that they organised.

So if I compare myself to my twenties, then I am a social recluse. And actually, I think I’m okay with that.

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